Pen and paper are my faithful confidantes.

My addiction.

Sat, 25 May 2013 18:45:00 +0200

My addiction.

On Acceptance

Tue, 21 May 2013 15:16:00 +0200

Accepting things that’s not meant for you takes a whole lot of time. As for me, it’s still unknown. Should I be happy for you? Should I be angry? Do I even have the right to be angry? In the first place, you’re with her even if you told me you’re not anymore. I always find it out myself, and now, I’ve found out something that is worse than the usual.

Maybe we’re not meant to be together. Even if a lot keeps on hoping that we are, and do I did too. It’s time to move forward and accept things. I know, I’ll find someone who’s meant for me, too.

As for you, I know how happy you are for having a wonderful child. It’s a blessing. Just be man enough for them. If you can’t and haven’t for me, at least for your own family, do it.

I’ve been stuck with this for a very long time. Pathetic, isn’t it? But every single day, I get to accept and move on with things that’s not meant for me. And one day, I’ll have someone and will be happier.

Hopeless romantic

Mon, 20 May 2013 14:18:00 +0200

My favorite thing about relationships is the support. There’s someone who everyday will stand next to you and pick you up when you’re down, hold your hand and wrap their arms around you when they know you need them. And at the same time you can do that for them, you can put energy into making someone else happy, and caring for them.

On being needy

Mon, 20 May 2013 13:01:23 +0200

I must admit, there are times that I tend to be so needy. It can extremely be annoying and pathetic. But it takes a lot of patience and understanding to handle me being this way.

I know very few things in my life, very few, but I can say with absolute certainty that I know and...

Fri, 17 May 2013 16:17:30 +0200

I know very few things in my life, very few, but I can say with absolute certainty that I know and that I’m good at, and I am good at reading people.

Maybe it’s because I used to be quite and not talk and just watch people and I learned, or maybe it’s just a natural ability that some people have, but whatever the reason I am good at reading people. I know, I just know when I meet them, what kind of people they are, I know it in my gut. I don’t know how I do it, it’s the way they talk, what they talk about, how them move, what they wear, their expressions, I just know. And I know, I know with you I’m not wrong. You are good I know that. You’re good, and decent and rare, and I was stupid to let you go. I didn’t know what I know now, about life about everything.

I didn’t know. But I know now.

Realizations.. And I've grown

Tue, 07 May 2013 20:16:00 +0200

Every goodbye is a start of a new beginning they say. I must admit, I suck with goodbyes. More of I get stuck with it, and it feels like my other foot is stuck in a pile of mud that I can’t take off.

As I grow mature every single day, contemplating about life, learning lessons from every experience, I’ve already came to a point where goodbyes should be taken positively and be thankful that it happened.

I’m always thankful for every learning experience every pain and heartache would cause me. Sounds ironic but it makes me a better person. A person who already has an idea on how to take things when it’s already falling and failing. A person who makes a positive out of the negative. A person who is mature enough to know where and when to stop and let go. A person who knows now that not every love story has a happily ever after.

After few years, I can finally say I’ve grown a lot. Couldn’t be any more proud of myself. But yeah, it may hurt. It may be difficult. It may make my waking days hard for me (Duh). But at least, not for too long because I know one day, I’ll be back on track again. More mature and stronger.

One thing’s for sure, I’m a lot happier now. At peace and serene.

Goodbye painful days, goodbye heartaches.

Next story please.

And I’m finally decided. I hope this will be all worth it.

Sun, 05 May 2013 15:35:06 +0200

And I’m finally decided. I hope this will be all worth it.

My mind says, “I’m tired.” My heart says, “Go on. You can do this.”

Fri, 03 May 2013 13:35:34 +0200

My mind says, “I’m tired.” My heart says, “Go on. You can do this.”

Everything has been too rough lately I don’t know if I can still take it or if I can still...

Fri, 03 May 2013 13:33:00 +0200

Everything has been too rough lately I don’t know if I can still take it or if I can still wait patiently.

I want us to be just like before. Even if we’re not together. Even if we’re miles and miles apart. We made it through the past few months of both being at the other side of the world. And somehow, I know I’ve given you my utmost patience and understanding.

I’m not asking for too much. Maybe just a little bit of your time and effort, too. I can’t oblige you nor make you responsible of me since we’re not even together or I don’t know how I would label this kind of relationship.

It’s hard missing you everyday. Talking to you that ends up in arguments or misunderstandings. And I’m always the person who apologizes and makes a move for us to be okay.

Can’t you be the same person you used to be months ago? It’s too heartbreaking. But I shouldn’t be expecting much from you.

I don’t know if I can still take this. I don’t know if I would still be here.

For now, I’m just too tired.

"Rest when you’re tired."

Thu, 02 May 2013 06:15:57 +0200

“Rest when you’re tired.”

I really like to make other people happy because I don’t want anyone to get hurt like me. But I get...

Thu, 25 Apr 2013 15:21:00 +0200

I really like to make other people happy because I don’t want anyone to get hurt like me. But I get really nervous if I can’t make someone happy. I just want to help everyone I really do but I would get so overwhelmed and cry because they hurt and I would just want to take all the hurt away from them and feel it myself so they don’t. I don’t ever want anyone to hurt like me I don’t want anyone to hurt. I would take all the horrid feelings everyone gets shoved on them just so they don’t feel it and make myself feel it if it’ll make them happy. I just want people to be happy and it makes me really upset when there are people that are hurting and I can’t fucking do anything about it. I just don’t want anyone to ever feel the need to hurt or kill themselves even if I have to feel it for them. I’m strong I can take it but what if they can’t what if it hurts too much for them. I don’t want them to hurt I would never ever want anyone else to ever hurt because it sucks. And I just want so very very much for everyone to have someone else love them unconditionally. It physically pains me so much when someone says they hate themselves I just want to hold them forever and take their bad feelings away.

I just want everyone to be happy even if I’m miserable. If I’m miserable and everyone is happy then everything is ok. Everything is splendid because no one will ever have to feel like I did. The only reason I put off ending it all is because what if someone needs me but I’m gone. I could never handle that. What if someone needed me to help them but I was gone. I could never do that to them never ever.

Pseudo/False

Fri, 19 Apr 2013 07:59:35 +0200

It’s hard to explain, but take this as an example, from the movie “500 DAYS OF SUMMER”

SUMMER: We’re just friends.

TOM: No, don’t pull that with me! Dont even try! This is not how you treat your friend! Kissing in the copy room? Holding hands in IKEA? Shower sex? Come on! Friends my balls!

SUMMER: I like you, Tom. I just don’t want a relationship.

TOM: Well, you’re not the only one who got to say on this, I do too. And I say we’re a couple, goddammit!

You thought just because you kiss, hold hands, make love, secretly love each other, one thing for sure though. You never said i, “I love you.”

But why people tend to deal with this kind of relationship, just because its convenient? Just because its in? Doesn’t it hurts too?

If this is so complicated then why do people still enter this kind of relationship or is it because they just have one thing in mind.

NO EXPECTATIONS, NO DISAPPOINTMENT

You can get upset, hurt, angry but you’re not in the position to burst it. So, you must be good in concealing with how you really feel. Isn’t it being scared?

“So are you saying that I can’t complain even when i’m hurting?” You see, the truth about pseudo relationships is that there is no “us”. No “we” either. Only “me” and “you”. There is love (even great love) but the relationship has no label. There are no guarantees. No future plans. You just go with the flow. But your pain is real. And it’s self-inflicted so why complain?

Again from the movie..

TOM: Look, we don’t have to put a label on it. That’s fine, I get it. I just need, you know, some consistency.

SUMMER: I can’t give you that. Nobody can.

If you’re in a pseudo relationship now just follow the rules and you’ll survive somehow. You can’t control your emotions but you can control your actions.

Another line from an episode of HOUSE, “If love is based on lies, does that mean it’s not a real feeling? It doesn’t bring the same pleasure?”

At the end of the day, when everything gets down over and over again. Isn’t it tiring? How long can someone hold on to this?

We’re not getting any younger so lets do what we want/whatever will make us happy. The question is, are we really happy?

We're just friends syndrome

Fri, 19 Apr 2013 07:48:00 +0200

So last night you came over to make the really grand gesture of telling me nothing happened between us. Nothing. Like, the complete absence of something. Hey bro, seems like if that was true you wouldn’t need to mention it, but thats just me. I guess I never realized what a strong word that was before though. Not one little thing. Like a black hole that just sucks any feelings away.

I’m not a completely crazy person. I understand that you were not my boyfriend. Not even a little bit. Not even close to a little bit. We were not star-crossed lovers. We weren’t going to fall in love in the last frame and make love to a movie montage. I freaking get it already, but there’s a difference between not running off into the sunset together and ‘nothing.’

This is about feminism, Platonism and our culture’s stupid Aristotellian bias. We think of things that are physical or quantifiable as ‘real’ but ethereal things - emotions, relationships, “feelings,” - those are thought of as feminine and are of little consequence in decision making. Just because something can’t be seen or touched or counted, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.

We didn’t date for 9 months. If something like that had happened, you would be okay with me having some kind of feelings for you. But because you denied me a label, you think you’re withholding your permission for me to feel emotions about you. What happened was, I felt like you were a good person. What happened was, I met your family and it was like no one had ever told them their son was really great before. And they reminded me of my family. What happened was, you kissed each of my fingers one time when I was falling asleep. What happened was, you asked me to be around you all the time because it made you happier. But, that’s nothing, isn’t it.

I’m not asking for a statue to be built in memory of this fleeting flirtation. I’m just asking for you to not tell me that I imagined it. Let it be okay to think something little was really great.

Jesus Christ, my Lord, I have sinned. I fall short. I’ve stumbled and cried. I’ve been stubborn...

Fri, 29 Mar 2013 14:39:57 +0100

Jesus Christ, my Lord, I have sinned. I fall short. I’ve stumbled and cried. I’ve been stubborn and self-righteous. I’ve caused others to fall. I can’t get through even a single day without breaking the rules and turning from you.

Thank you Lord for turning me back, helping me stay focused, reminding me of the wages of my sin. Help me Lord – today – the day we remember your sacrifice. The day we watch you carry your cross, we mock you as you’re nailed to the cross for our sins, as we spew our disappointments that you are not the Christ of our own design. You will not die in vain.

Thank you for your gift of eternal life, wrapped in a very strange but beautiful package of sacrifice. Help me Lord to remember you today; especially your love for - me. Amen

In all my reading I often run across some new word that catches me unaware. I used to write the word...

Thu, 21 Mar 2013 13:03:06 +0100

In all my reading I often run across some new word that catches me unaware. I used to write the word down and look it up later. It’s trickier to catch the unfamiliar word.

I do have a few lists around with words I’ve found over the years. Some of them are “old-fashioned” words that are seldom heard, but ought to be used more. Some are nonsense words like those often created delights hidden in the writings of Dr. Seuss or Shel Silverstein or Lewis Carroll.

This short list isn’t so much new words as it’s words I like the sound of. The way they bounce off your tongue, or imitate the thing that they are makes them especially appealing. Sometimes it’s a word I’ve heard often enough but was uncertain of the definition.

They’re easier to appreciate if you say them out loud.

Humdinger – somebody or something exceptional

Snog – to kiss (doesn’t sound all that wonderful, does it?)

Snickerdoodle – a crisp cookie with sugar and cinnamon sprinkled on top

Scooch – moving a small amount or distance

Smooch – kiss (this version sounds much more inviting)

Diddle – to cheat, swindle or hoax “hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the cow jumped over the moon, the little dog laughed to see such a sight and the dish ran away with the spoon.”

Dillydally – to waste time by loitering or procrastinating

Chortle – a breathy, gleeful laugh

Scrumptious – splendid and delectable, like a snicker doodle

Bumptious – noisily self-assertive

Do you have any favorite words? How about a new word you’ve heard recently?

Started to hang out with a past fling a bit lately, things have always been weird between us. I am...

Mon, 18 Feb 2013 11:39:29 +0100

Started to hang out with a past fling a bit lately, things have always been weird between us. I am not sure if we can even ever be “just friends”. Whenever we hang out, I feel like I always want more. I just don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. Taking things slow this time, so we will see.

Being single has been sweet, but I am just not into the whole hooking up with random things. That’s just not me. I haven’t met any good guys in the last year and I feel like the person I am supposed to be with, I already know them. So that thinking has made me stop talking to a lot of guys. Plus I only see guys at the bar and they are all gross.

There is a few main things I miss about being in a real relationship, and those include: having someone to text all the time, having someone to tell your useless information to, and just having someone to do nothing with.

Things I don’t miss: having to read the signs and actions of someone, having to please someone all the time, the fact that they make you fat (well not really, but kind of), and fighting.

I don’t know where things are going to go, but I am interested in finding out.

Reflecting on 2012 this has probably been one of themost memorable years of my life. I’m going to...

Thu, 27 Dec 2012 11:46:02 +0100

Reflecting on 2012 this has probably been one of themost memorable years of my life. I’m going to take a little trip down memory lane.

January

I was on duty when my sister sent me a text message saying my Aunt who’s situated in California is home which I never believed not until they called me up and I got to talk to her. She was never home for 7 years, and surprised us with her homecoming.

Then came Dinagyang, an annual festival here in Iloilo. Spent with my aunt, uncle and sisters.

And Boracay..

February

After weeks of spending it with my aunt and uncle, we have to bid goodbye now. Tears overflowed, and years of longing yet again.

March

Knowing Graduation was just around the corner, our batch made a magazine as a souvenir to each and everyone before we part ways.

April

Then came Graduation, the most awaited time of the year next to Christmas and New Year. All the efforts paid off especially my parents’. I couldn’t thank them enough for everything, and this diploma is meant for them.

May

May is I would say the only month that I have gotten enough rest. Decided to take the board exam on September, I barely have a month left before our review in June. Spent the month processing our papers, and looking back at our Internship Days.

June

Looking back at this month. It was full of stress. The review just started, sleepless nights, homesickness. But the best thing on how this started was these people who’ll be there even if everything is our of control.

July

I can’t remember clearly how it was this month. For sure, I was so sad since I have been away from home for a month. And tensed for the exam. So, I went home for 2 days and 3 nights. Celebrated my sister’s birthday and met up with friends to relieve them stress.

August

Back home in Iloilo after Manila got flooded. No matter what, I need to be home. and Tension.. Tension.. Anxiety.. And all I have is HIM.

September

Board exam.

Then the results came. September 5, 2012.

And I passed!

October

After being so grateful to passed the Board Exam. I immediately looked for a job, and volunteered as Medical Technologist at WVMC. Priceless, I may say. Got a chance to reunite with my girls who are already working as well.

November

My birth month! But first, we had our Oath Taking.

Parents’ decided to have a Thanksgiving Party to be included in my Birthday Party. At first, I thought it would just be a plain lunch but it shocked me that it was huge. I have the bestest parents and family I know.

December

And here we are at December. Still on the process, and gonna be updating this on New Year.

This ramble may have been a bit boring as a way to reflect and think about the year, but I also hope it inspires you. Over the course of a year one person can not only wear so many costumes and eat delicious meals or travel anywhere, but can also learn so much, meet many people and really accomplish amazing things.

It’s been 5 years since we parted ways. Been 2 years since we last saw each other. And just...

Wed, 19 Dec 2012 11:52:08 +0100

It’s been 5 years since we parted ways. Been 2 years since we last saw each other. And just last month, you Facebook messaged me. Asking how I am, and we chatted for a while, and you asked for my number.

I know I have gotten over you since then, but this certain feeling I still get especially when we saw each other. We chatted for hours, looking each other in the eyes, talking about anything and everything. I can say, you still look really great after all these years.

And I was hoping, hoping for something to be continued. But maybe I have been expecting too much from that meet up. Because I know it won’t the same anymore. We’re not high school anymore. We’ve grew up a lot, and more mature now. But I seriously want to see you again. Even for the last time before you leave. And maybe, just maybe, something good will happen.

”..Nothing beats the heart of a Volunteer.” I may say this indeed is true. I myself is a...

Wed, 19 Dec 2012 11:39:34 +0100

”..Nothing beats the heart of a Volunteer.”

I may say this indeed is true. I myself is a Volunteer Medical Technologist for 2 months now. And it’s very rewarding. Even if we are working times 5 than in the private hospitals since it’s a government owned hospital. It may be tiring at times, you may complain about heading home an hour late or with an aching body. But nothing beats the gratitude and thank you’s the patients give you every time. I am not being paid nor after the payment but it’s more on serving the poor people without expecting anything in return. And it sucks to know that I am leaving work anytime soon to pursue Med. School.

We, in our each and own ways can be a volunteer to be of help. It takes patience and heart to be one.

September 2012 Medical Technologists’ Oath Taking.

Wed, 19 Dec 2012 11:16:32 +0100

September 2012 Medical Technologists’ Oath Taking.